without trousseau or change of underwear

Post-Ravagers, Stuck in the Interwebs

2011-12-09T01:20:00.001-05:00

Did you miss me?

I was here:

Making this:

(First photo by me, second by Stacy Schwartz)

No promises, but I might be back at it. Any requests?

the ravagers seoul

2011-05-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Michele Farley for the schmancy photos, and thanks to all of the other lovelies that took photos in workshop sessions.

Teacher's Book

2011-05-02T09:39:00.000-04:00

To the end of radio silence.

2011-02-09T08:16:00.000-05:00

So...

How have you been?

I've been pretty swell.

I'm in the beginning stages of writing The Ravagers for Savage Umbrella. It's complicated, it's challenging, it's a pretty exciting process involving workshops in two cities across the globe from one another.

So, with some creative writing, I'm breaking the blog silence. Here I am! Hello!

Love from the land of morning calm,
b

Today we learned that...

2010-11-09T00:35:00.002-05:00

F is not for Apple.

Ms. Blake Planet

2010-07-21T04:07:00.000-04:00

There people is eating a planet!

There's planet is the chocolate.

There is living many alien.

and air is jelly.
so alien can eat.

there is the space jellyfish.

(Jason)

Today was ...

2010-06-24T11:49:00.001-04:00

... not what I would call a successful day of teaching.

Starting with not being properly amused by the individual antics of my preschoolers.
Followed by a 5 year-old with a nosebleed.
Then a kid asking about my new necklace: "So, if I pull too hard, it will break?"
"Yes, it will break."
And ... YANK.
And then, what exactly? The grumpiness that resulted from all of this led eventually to treating my last class with utter disdain, in response to their volume level and general rowdiness, eventually ending the school day with a kid I've had for 10 months telling me, "I think bad teacher."
"I've had you every day for 10 months. I'm a bad teacher every day or just today?"
"Just today."
"Well, I think maybe you were a bad student today, too."

Not really a day to be proud of.

But then I skipped the report cards, ate dinner, watched some mindless TV, and then saw a friend's band play in a venue so tiny most of the patrons stood on the sidewalk to watch. Later, I went with two lovely friends and their dog to a favorite bar to eat dokbokki and we got sucked into watching "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" with the sound turned down, and suddenly life felt a lot more manageable.

Thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

changechangechange

2010-06-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

Woah!

Watch out!

New layout!

I just couldn't resist this picture ... so, here we are. The first major template/layout change since 2005. I can tell the text will be a little bit more difficult to read, but several of the handful of you that read this are reading it via RSS feed anyway, so ... I'm going to give it a try. At least for a little while.

b

p.s. While I do have an awesome air-conditioner in my apartment, I also added a new fan that I bought yesterday, and it's blowing on me right now, and it's AWESOME.

p.p.s. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get report cards done, and after that, I'm going to see about writing to you, dearest Internet. Are you ready?

strange beauty

2010-05-20T13:54:00.002-04:00

This needs no ado, I believe.

a wide world

2010-05-13T12:03:00.000-04:00

It's just after midnight on a Thursday night/Friday morning. I'm wearing a face mask, drinking a glass of wine, paying bills, and trying to donate money to a few good causes in America while I sit in my apartment in Seoul, South Korea.

Think about how all of that is possible.

I tried to call the Manhattan Arts Center to donate to MXTW, but the connection was bad, so I'm on hold with the Market to talk to my mom to see if she can do it for me... MAC, get online donation set up STAT. And while you're at it, get somebody to redesign your website, because it's ugly and it's been ugly for about a decade. I'm telling you the truth because I love you.

So, here's a list of things for tonight:

1. I just paid off half of the remaining balance of my credit card. Next month it will be done. YEAH.
2. I'm going to have my student loan paid off in a couple of months, at the outside.
3. I've finally paid all of my official personal debt. (Eric and Ben, thanks for waiting almost 2 years for that money.)
4. I wish I'd have gone to bed 2 hours ago, at least.
5. The parents of my pre-school class have decided that tomorrow they will buy all of the preschoolers and their teachers pizza for lunch. PRESCHOOL PIZZA PARTY.
6. If you're able, help MXTW get to the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Send them some money, even just a few bucks. If you can, go SEE them, in Manhattan, and/or at the Minnesota Fringe Festival. They full of so much discipline and energy and creativity.
7. I can hear someone dribbling a basketball 13 stories below.
8. Saturday is Teacher's Day, and a kid gave me some EXTRA SPARKLY FUCHSIA LIPGLOSS as a gift. Wicked.
9. I finally took pictures of my tots. So, watch out.
10. Love from Putnam County:

The 25th Annual...

2010-04-25T08:16:00.002-04:00

...Putnam County Spelling Bee.

1. Where do these musicals keep coming from? NOT something I would have foreseen.

2. My song is too low for me.

Because it's written for a man.

But that doesn't mean I ain't gonna try.

3. I keep falling down at rehearsal. Daily. In all sorts of situations. It's extremely embarrassing.

It's finally SPRING! There are flowers blooming EVERYWHERE! The beginning of last week had me in the pit of despair, but I'm feeling a little bit better now, seeing poppies and bougainvillea and beautiful red and yellow bushes everywhere. Going to rehearsal with highly entertaining folks doesn't hurt, either. Gonna try to keep in on the upswing for awhile.

Love from the land of yellow dust,
b

Go Go Gadget...

2010-04-04T23:19:00.000-04:00

...iPod!

I bought an iPod Touch.

And guess what?

IT IS AWESOME.

(Thanks again to Chris for convincing his mom to give me the iPod mini that came with his iBook in 2005. It lasted nearly 5 years, and only recently did it start to only work for about a half an hour at a time. I learned to truly appreciate having a soundtrack to my life.)

Movin' and Groovin,'
bebe

delay

2010-03-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

I have been busy rearranging my life.

Here are some highlights:

1. A new school year has begun. New students! New schedule!

2. I have started to teach pre-school in addition to elementary kids. Tiring, challenging, ADORABLE.

3. I have moved into a new apartment. IT IS AWESOME. There's a shower. There's a private washing machine. There's a full-sized refrigerator. Storage space. Big windows. 5-minute walk to work. Key-less entry. Several lights that aren't gross florescents. One table for working, another for eating. Enough counter space that I can cut potatoes without an unbelievable balancing act. SCORE.

I just bought new bedding and a new small set of dishes. I've put some things up on the walls, and have begun searching for more. I bought two houseplants, one of which seems to be thriving.

Yesterday, after eating a homemade brunch of grapefruit, strawberries, eggs, potatoes, toast and coffee, I lounged on my bed for a moment, and just thought awhile about how happy I felt. How this abode feels more like home in 2 weeks than my last apartment ever did. How much happier I've gotten in the last few months.

Now that I'm settling into my new digs, and have the internet once more, I'll be back to writing. Please send me needling messages if I lag too far behind.

Love from Seoul,
b

with a bullet

2010-02-23T09:46:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was shot in the chest. I spent the rest of the dream-evening trying to get myself to an emergency room, but first had to deal with, I believe, some very serious party planning. I woke up before reaching a hospital, seeing the party come to fruition, or bleeding out.

list of desirable attributes

2010-02-14T01:58:00.001-05:00

great sense of humor

ability to make lists

delight in idiosyncrasy

likes to make breakfast in bed. coffee drinker. fiction reader.

understands the sexiness of the Golden Ratio

(making breakfast in bed is HARD! I think you ought to relent on that one. Maybe making it in the kitchen and eating it in bed...?)

(good call. thus amended.)

easy to finish, good pay, few complications

pro-repetition, pro-abstraction

goes to bed without fuss, puts the lid down

lanterns. shadows. dancing.

action, reaction, and full stillness, still fullness

yes make-believe, no pretending

plays well with others

smooth, soft, strong, resilient, easily repaired

stimulating, cost-effective

fascinated

cheap, well-worn

ace at cleaning up spilled milk and spilled marbles

(thank you to Lacey and Charles)

all the food, drink, and indie rock you could ask for

2010-02-07T05:01:00.000-05:00

Hongdae is the Bedford of Seoul. (This will only make sense to about 0.05% of you.) Plus it smells like Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire on the street where my favorite bar is located.

On Writing, Part 1

2010-02-05T08:52:00.000-05:00

I was having a discussion with some friends the other day about online presence. They were telling me that after a bit of a snafu involving a picture taken out of context and some public parental admonishing, they have begun to carefully monitor what they write and post, on Facebook and blogs, personally and for their mixed media Arts company.

I can understand having a professional face, especially when presenting oneself as a public figure. However, their cleaning up of the rough edges seems not to be for their professional lives so much as for the comfort of their parents. They told me that it has gone far enough that they feel like their online presence totally misrepresents them as people.

I think I just find it frustrating that people I know to be intelligent, creative, and extremely charitable should have to put up such a screen. They have no intention of running for office, they don't have jobs they're going to get fired from for writing about them online, nor do they have things to say that extremely inflammatory in any way.

On my end of the conversation, I talked with them about a chat I had with my parents about this. Over the years, I have learned to be more and more forthcoming with my parents, as they have been with me. Any secrets I may have ever kept were always due to embarrassment rather that they might be disappointed in me as a human being. I know that this makes me one of a lucky few.

So, when my dad first asked for my blog address, sometime when I was living in New York, I gladly gave it to him. He then asked if it made me uncomfortable for him to read it, if I thought it might change the way that I wrote or what I wrote about. I decided that if he didn't feel uncomfortable, then I would just go about my business and he could read all he wanted. (This, I believe, was around the time I wrote a post about throwing up on the subway. We all have moments to be proud of, and ones that we hope other people will learn from or at least laugh at. I think my father, knowing some of his stories, probably got a good laugh from that one.)

Now, this subject came up again recently, as I've moved to the far end of the world and more people have been invited to read. I'm not really dealing with a huge readership, nor do I feel professionally in jeopardy at any time; I don't have my real name connected to the blog in an obvious way, so you'd have to take at least 2 whole minutes to figure out who I was if you didn't already know ... also, while I may find reason to complain about this and that, I don't feel that I complain enough about my employment to get anyone in a twist.

(Being confident and cavalier in this respect may come back to bite me at any time. I am aware of this.)

Anyway, it came up again because of two new groups of readers: 1. A friend's parents, whom I adore and get on with very well, but who don't really know me as an artist or outside the context of their home, where I tend to be less irreverent than in other parts of my life or in my writing. They are reading, I think, mostly to find out about my adventures abroad. Also, as supplementary material to their own child's information. 2. My Grandma. Hi, Grandma!

I was talking with my parents when my mom told me that one of my cousins had showed Grandma how to get to my blog so that she could read it while I'm away. It's pretty cool that my Grandma is that technologically savvy - she's been using computers about a decade longer than my mom. However, when my mom told me that, I got a little nervous. Grandma is a cool lady (you are, Grandma!), but should I tone it down a notch to save her some sweat?

My parent's immediate reaction was to make me PROMISE that I wouldn't let this development effect the tone or style of my writing AT ALL. They basically insisted that I keep writing about whatever is on my mind. The song stuck in my head, my broken heart, my trip to Timbuktu, or a post about being naked with a bunch of Koreans followed directly by a post about my boobs. With whatever colorful language I feel is necessary. And more often, if possible.

I don't know that I have any real conclusion to this line of thought, but that I'm feeling thankful to be supported in that way by the people closest to me. Especially knowing that not everyone is so lucky. Occasionally I pick up a new reader, but I'm hardly in a place where I'm collecting a readership of people who don't already know me. For those who know me well, surely you can hear my voice in the way that I write here, surely you can see me grin or burst into tears. I feel like one of the skills I continue to cultivate as a writer is to balance eloquence with rhythm in a way that marries the way I think with the way that I speak with the way that I write. For those that don't know me well, I feel as though you really might begin to see the complexities in my character that you might miss if we only interact quietly, personally, reverently.

I am a respectful person, but I seek to combine the reverent and the irreverent, a classy elegance with a youthful abandon, loquaciousness with succinctness, for as long as I can put one foot in front of the other, one word after another. I don't ever want to be just one thing, and I don't ever just want to be who you think I am, who you think I should be. (This is important for me to state and restate, as it can sometimes be lost. I lost it for awhile recently, but luckily I'd just misplaced it.)

Thank you and thank you and thank you.

Your this! They wiggle!

2010-02-03T09:25:00.003-05:00

Today I went to see several teachers teaching some wee little ones, in order to prepare for the possibility of a pre-school teaching gig at my campus come March. We got to know a little bit about the curriculum, which includes reading from GIANT books together and singing songs and coloring and a little bit of dancing and singing.

In Cherry class, a little boy wouldn't come inside because he thought I was there to replace his teacher. So much crying.

In Peach class, everyone could read!

In Mango class, they busted out some serious phonics, Thomas and Jade helped me make a picture that turned out to be a boat and a fire fish fighting a water fish. At first, the fire fish was totally winning, but at the last second, the water fish put the smack down.

My favorite part of the day, though, was Claire from Mango. She was pretty sassy, and whenever she blinked it was like she blinked with her whole face. It made her cheeks bob and her forehead scrunch, so she seemed constantly to be blinking, because it was so apparent. While we were coloring, she started laughing hysterically, and when I asked her what was funny, she couldn't breathe well enough to tell me.

Later, while everyone was dancing and singing to The Wiggles (terrifying but understandably awesome for ESL pre-schoolers), she made a point to tell me what had made her laugh.

"Teacher! When you color! Your this! They wiggle!"

My what?

Oooooooh.

My boobs.

"Well, Claire, I love to color."

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing verbatim between every song they sang (so about 19 times), sometimes grabbing my boobs, sometimes gesturing to where hers will be in about 14 years.

And thaaaaaat pretty much made the whole day worth it.

Update: The very next day I got asked the following question by a student:

"Teacher! Why you are not married and these are so big?"

If you can figure out the appropriate interpretation of that question, please let me know.

Naked

2010-01-31T21:13:00.001-05:00

So, today we're back to regularly scheduled programming, beginning work at 12:45 and working until 8:30ish. So, I got up at 9 and went to the gym, came home, turned on the hot water, took off my clothes, entered the shower/toilet (shoilet) ...

And there is nothing but freezing water.

Apparently they chose the moment I got naked to turn off all the heat and water to do repairs.

Currently I'm cooking breakfast in a towel and hoping that it will come back on in time for a shower before work.

Speaking of being in the buff, yesterday I went to a jimjilbang (a sauna room) for the first time. I've been wanting to go for months, but finally, FINALLY I got up yesterday and new that there was no time like the present. Koreans go all the time. With their friends, with their moms and grandmas, sometimes by themselves. Basically, a public bath. They give your some loose clothes to wear in the main room if you feel like it, but mostly everyone is just naked. I've never been in proximity to so much bare skin in my life. Little kids and old ladies, relaxing and exfoliating, themselves and each other. Picking at blemishes, massaging their fat.

About $7 for a really hot bath, a medium hot bath, a mineral bath, a cold pool, a really cold pool, whirlpools, a high-pressure stream, a wet sauna, a dry sauna, personal washing stations, and regular showers. I enjoyed some time hopping back and forth between the cold and the hot baths, and scrubbed away my dried skin for about an hour ... It made me happy that it's just part of what you do with your friends and family in Korea. I've never felt more comfortable being naked in my life, regardless of being the one tall, pink lady in there. It was a delight to be somewhere where modesty wasn't a consideration.

I want to go at least once a week for the rest of my life.

Well, they're not done fixing the water, but I do have some fried potatoes to eat, so I wish you all a good day.

Hey, remember that time we went to thailand?

2010-01-26T09:04:00.005-05:00

9 Things About My Trip to Thailand + A Smattering of Photos

1. I ate incredible food at the very least once a day for 10 days.

2. I stayed in a totally legit (and good) hostel, and then a place that called itself a hostel but really would have been a hotel if it hadn't been for 1. no refills on soap and 2. all of the bees I killed nightly. I slept like a log every night in a beautiful big bed, had a private balcony, a small fridge stocked with not-outrageously-priced beverages, and I ate green curry (and eggs shaped like stars and rice shaped like koalas and sausage shaped like octopus) and drank the best pina coladas of my life at their outdoor restaurant seating. The owner was beautiful and gracious and helpful and I would live there with her if she would hire me.

3. Medical conditions abounded amongst, well, two of us. Luckily, health services were helpful and affordable. Thanks, Thailand!

4. I got to spend time with my best friend since forever, reading books, drinking sake. If I could have more of that right now, sign me up.

5. I went skinny dipping. For the first time ever. In the ocean. On the full moon. It was, in fact, TOTALLY MAGICAL.

6. We let lanterns go, holding our hopes and dreams for the coming year. I am hopeful. I am full of dreams. I tried to keep things simple.

7. Lanta was so beautiful we stayed several extra days instead of heading to Bangkok, thanks to the skillful and gracious maneuvering of my travel agent.

8. I took a lot of pictures of drinks, because they were awesome.

9. Go to the Elephant to escape the sun and eat green curry. Go to Bambi's to listen to music and enjoy the most charming atmosphere on the beach.

Thank you, Ko Lanta, for being even more than we'd hoped for.

Monthly Test

2010-01-20T20:36:00.002-05:00

Andy, Level K Grade 1

I wake 6 o'clock
I wash face
I wash hands
I clean the theethes
I wear clothes
and go to school
I learns to much
and I am
not happy

end

This about sums up the way I felt in college.
Also, Andy wrote more than one line on his essay! Hooray, Andy! Sorry about life sucking.

Happy New

2010-01-10T10:39:00.003-05:00

So, I have some lovely pictures of my amazing vacation in Thailand. They are mostly of drinks and food, as you might guess. However, before I go about posting an assortment, I want to steal some photos from others on the adventure to add to the mix. Then I'll probably set 'em to some music and make it a total experience.

Deadline on that particular project is the end of the week, after I reread Hamlet and Macbeth, organize the mailing list for Savage Umbrella, send pictures to Jeremy, and hang up the clothes that are in a pile on the floor. End of the week, I should dare to hope.

Until then, please know that on Friday I got a haircut from a Korean guy named Kevin, who was awesome. At some point while cutting he made reference to the dye in my hair, and I told him I knew I should take care of it soon.

"Sad color," Kevin said, pointing to my roots. "This is ... sad color."

Yeah, I'm right there with ya, buddy.

So, I got him to dye my hair on Saturday morning when they opened the shop. I read Korean fashion magazines and drank coffee while he got this mane under control, and got the best head massage, complete with Kelp Treatment, that I've ever had in my whole life.

He told me to come back in 2 months, but I may be back there sooner for the sheer joy of the experience. Anyone else needing their hairs done in Korea, I'll give you Kevin's number. Completely worth the totally reasonable price.

Happy 2010. Things are shaping up.

(P.S. I thought Sherlock Holmes was going to be good, and then it was AWESOME. Best solo date I've been on in AGES. I think I saw Snatch for the first time on a solo date, back in 2000. Meant to be.)

dreams

2009-12-21T09:52:00.003-05:00

1. I drove my old red car onto a street in Manhattan that I knew I wasn't supposed to be driving on, but I was in a hurry. 20+ militia members, mostly women, appeared from nowhere to point their machine guns at my car. It was made clear to me that I, because I was somehow involved with the police, should have known better than to stray into their territory.

2. Someone was making a movie using some of my students, in our classrooms. They were filming while I was trying to teach, and our classrooms were so big that I was in charge of two classes at a time. In this dream, Kindergarten was in the basement, and the rooms were huuuuuuuuge. Andy had the starring role in this film, and Dylan, from college, appeared out of nowhere to visit. He took off his shirt. It was awkward.

3. I was trying to smuggle Ben and Eric to Mexico, through a tunnel in my basement. I got questioned by the police about it, hoping they wouldn't find the tunnel, in between the two-show-a-night I was performing of something.

The moral of the story:

inner demons + NCIS/CSI/X-FILES before bedtime = adventure

I'm Not Sorry

2009-12-13T07:55:00.003-05:00

(It's hard for me to post anything above #200.)

(But I'm just going to do it, and then it will be done.)

When I was a kid, my uncle Tom always used to get on my case for apologizing too much.

"Don't say your sorry."

"Sorry."

"QUIT IT."

"Sor...er, okay."

Who knows if I ever actually scaled back or not on the apologizing. It's like I was born apologizing for taking up too much space, for breathing too much air. He stopped bugging me about it, after awhile, so for some amount of time it must have gotten better.

Recently, though, the universe has decided to make a point.

First, Todd told me to stop apologizing. Stop saying you're sorry, you don't have to be sorry, etc. I understood the sentiment but didn't think much of it at the time.

A week later, a student that I've had for the past 3 months raised his hand in class.

"Teacher, why you say sorry?"

"What, Andy?"

"Every day, 'Sorry.' It's okay, Teacher, don't be sorry."

"Ummm, thank you, Andy. You're right."

I thought about what he said, and realized I do say "I'm sorry" an awful lot to my students. That is not to say that I don't mean it. I mean it, very much. I believe, however, that the point he was making is not to stop saying I'm sorry, but to stop actually feeling sorry about everything.

This week, he reminded me. "Teacher, I said stop saying sorry." Insert missing-toothed grin here.

Then, last night, at a bar, I squeezed past a large, middle-aged American man. I said I was sorry.

"Hey. Don't say you're sorry."

"Um .... okay. Pardon me?"

"Yeah, that's better. Huh, you're hot."

While I left that last encounter creeped out, I must say:

Alright, Universe. I get the message, and I'm climbing on board.

two hundred

2009-12-03T09:32:00.008-05:00

Sitting at a tiny table, listening to a dance mix, drinking a glass of wine, living on the East side of Seoul, South Korea, is not where I'd have ever guessed I'd be writing the retrospective, behemoth, epic, brilliant, funny, widely read and quoted, earth-shattering 200th post on this blog. However, where did I really expect to be when I wrote this post? Would I have had any guess at all? When I wrote the first post, back in September 2005, did I think I'd write 200 posts in a year or two? Did I know it would take me more than 4 years and 3 major moves to write a mere 200 brief entries on the state of life/ random musings? Did I know that 200 would seem like a milestone? Did I even think I'd make it to 200?

Probably not, since it took me 6 entries to quit writing on a Myspace blog.

I still contend that I've made the right decision. Even if, it turns out, there are myriad other blogging sites that are just as good or perhaps better than this one. I was still right in my assessment that Myspace is an ugly confusing waste of space, and not a place I want to keep my musings, trivial or otherwise. Especially not 200 of them.

Who read this when I first started writing it? 2005, when I wrote about my fascination with bees and random art in Lawrence, KS, and whatever crossed my mind (my style and content haven't every really graduated to a next level, only changing location drastically at certain intervals) ... my last year of undergrad ... I think maybe Josh Efron and LLM, probably Ari because I wrote a lot of it from her computer ... I was just writing for myself, which isn't such a bad way to begin. Even now, even today, my parents reminded me that no matter the audience, I am absolutely forbidden from self-editing, whether it be for content or style. Which is about the best thing your parents could ever forbid you from. "You are forbidden to be anything other than who you are, even if you are at times utterly crass and emotional." Thank you, parents.

So, you've been warned, whoever you are out there, all 3 or 7 or 100 of you, that this 200th post will be a swirling, shifting, non-linear epic retrospective bit of nonsense covering, well, whatever I feel like from the last 4-odd years. Don't say I didn't warn you. I may like lists in short form, but this will be nothing like a list. This will be like a short novel that has no beginning, middle, and ending, despite my constant request for that kind of information from my 8-year-old students. I am currently The Man, requiring that every sentence start with a capital letter and every story have a clear beginning, middle and ending ... but only so they can properly rebel against it when they all decide to write avant garde poetry, in English, when they're 14. Right? Right?

What do I even remember of the time in between? What have become the prevailing memories and attitudes of these last 4 years? It's easy to forget how much you can pack into that little amount of time. Especially when you're young and you haven't settled anywhere in particular and you experience a huge range of emotions at all times.

I just had a really self-conscious moment, you'd think I'd have more of them, where I realized that I'm totally just airing my dirty laundry here for anyone to see. Here it is, flying in the breeze. Who am I hoping will be interested in my dirty laundry? I guess it all stems from my fascination with creative non-fiction. Perhaps I'm hoping that practice will make perfect and someday I really will end up working for This American Life.

Anyway, here it is. Here's the version in brief, and in some places, in detail. Here is what I remember, or what I choose to remember.

There are things I remember which may never have happened but as I recall them so they take place.

So.

Fall 2005. I was living in a studio apartment, sharing a private entrance with one of my best friends who lived across the hall from me. I could leave my dirty coffee cups wherever I pleased, she could eat crunchy crackers for breakfast out of earshot of me (read: we could keep our neuroses beautifully separate from one another). We shared a toaster oven and a coffee pot. We watched movies on her TV, snuggling in her bed. We both did a little bit of pining. Hers panned out, mine was the beginning of the end of yet another painful romance in my life.

Spring 2005. I had a chance to travel to Memphis, Minneapolis, and Santa Fe. I briefly dropped 15 pounds and felt prettier and more physically self-confident that I had in years; I have not ever felt as good since. I drank a lot of water, ate a lot beets, and managed to finish my last semester while finishing my senior project and two plays at the same time. I had crushes on men who designed lights and sound. One dark, one sandy. I speak to neither now, but they still exist somewhere out there.

I moved home, went on dates with two different boys in three months, eventually regretted ever having to leave the second one because he is truly beautiful and talented and kind and really liked me. I directed kids, performed a solo performance, ran around like crazy in a green dress in the Doctor's directorial debut, and spent a lot of time using my new computer, stealing internet and smoking countless cigarettes. I walked around in summer rainstorms and watched bands in basements and bookstores and living rooms.

Fall 2006 - Spring 2007. I moved out of Kansas for the first time in my life, into an apartment that I couldn't afford the security deposit on. I got a job at a bakery, where I proceeded to be consistently late, constantly convinced I'd be fired, and thoroughly looked after and loved. I even spent Thanksgiving in my boss's mother's apartment, looking at original art dedicated to said mother, meeting relatives that worked for NPR and eating 5 different kinds of pie. I got hired at my other job the same day I went to see Little Miss Sunshine with my ex-flame, the one I didn't really tell anyone about until 2007, hereafter referred to as "Collegiate Romance." I, for the first time, really felt the flush of having a major goal and accomplishing it, as an adult. I went to New York to work for a major living idol and not only never got yelled at by him, but got hired to sell tickets, stood in for an actor, and got a hug from one of the grumpiest men on this planet on my last day. Cheers to you, Mr. Sleepy! You are everything I had hoped you would be. You would think I was a twit for talking about you like that. Doesn't make it less true. So, goal accomplished.

I spent some quality time living with two vastly different, beautiful New York ladies, hailing from Kansas and Texas, respectively. I was, incredibly, visited by 1. an adorable Russian beauty, 2. my mother, 3. my father (separate trips, mind you), 4. my best friend since always (we both had colds and watched movies the whole time and it was awesome), and 5. my best friend since college (we drank whiskey and snuggled and fell in love with NY together). That's love - 5 people who paid countless dollars to get on planes and fly to see me.

I had the following restaurants burned into the pleasure center of my brain: 1. liquiteria (juices, smoothies), 2. Blue 9 Burger (the first hamburger I ever spent my own money on), 3. Round the Clock Diner, 4. Dumont, 5. Roebling Tea House, 6. Oslo Coffeeshop, and nothingcanevertopit, 7. MOTO. Baked Apple Pancakes, Baked Eggs with Mixed Greens and Grilled Toast, Daily Risotto, wine and Americanos and not a single taste that wasn't a freaking ballet in my mouth, plus live music in a restaurant with a capacity of about 20... I melted the soul of my favorite boot there, on a space heater at the table by the door... I wish that someone could fly me there to eat RIGHT NOW.

Shortly before my departure from that dirty, pretty city, I busted my chin on the face of a short, gorgeous blond in dark specs named Thom. I remember that evening in the most beautiful detail: a really sharp outfit, including ridiculous mustard yellow boots, The Fall and Rise of the Rising Fallen, free German beer, talking to Peter about books and how he knew that Miranda would quit smoking when they got serious about having a child, smoking cigarettes out the window once most people had cleared out, betting Thom that we would be the last two people there, though we didn't know each other, winning that bet, and having a pretty lovely time wandering around Manhattan and Brooklyn with him thereafter.

Collegiate Romance made an appearance at my going away party, I feel in order to bookend my experience in NY, having unexpectedly appeared at my housewarming party, as well. I remember running down the 5 flights of stairs after him to tell him that I was glad that we were friendly again after all the time that had passed. Which was not untrue.

Summmer 2007. A trek to my version of the Great White North. Finally made a go of it in the city that always acted as a place of solace when it acted as a strange vacation destination. Sat on the couch, unemployed, watching Huff. Worked one day as a temp food service worker, only to show up early and sweat through my white and black, to be rewarded by drinking wine at the temporary boss's digs in the burbs. As pleasant as that turned out to be, luckily I got the only job I really wanted in the Twin Cities, working for the people who reduced a proscenium to a pile of rubble before my very eyes, who could make me laugh at the cruelty of human beings before crying at the beauty, who could turn it all upside down and then make it all make sense again. I got hired to answer their phones and their emails, to arrange their school matinees, and if I could still be there right now, I would be. If I could have saved them, I would have. If I could have won the lottery and been their benefactor, consider it done. Granted, I may have had my complaints, but I was working for people I respected, doing work I didn't mind, and the perks really outweighed to the annoyances, til the very end. I got one of my favorite friends out of the deal, I saw beautiful things being created, I got to spend time creating in their space, and I got to work for yet another of my real, living idols.

"Production Managing" America:aciremA, and I think costing people more money than they made, just to run the sound cues.

Due to some vouching from Elliott, wrangled a coffee date with Skewed Visions. First, it felt like accomplishing a goal, in an embarrassing sort of way. Later, it felt like I was exactly where I had always wanted to be without even knowing it.

Winter 2007. A Christmas Carol Finale, Version I. Met future boyfriend, who ditched me, eventually, via email. Felt like that was karmic retribution, while at the same time feeling like I deserved someone who could quit me to my face. Found out later he was not only a coward but also a cheater. Oh, well.

Did a show I felt was a chore, but got to hang out with great people and play the accordion in the meantime.

Went on a date with a red-headed narcissist. He is alternately worse and much better than I make him out to be.

Spring 2008. Wrote and directed a show that was able to explain more in 10 minutes about my heartbreak than 4 years of alternately talking about it and keeping it a secret had. Got my heart all tangled in something else as a result. May have broken a heart in there somewhere, too.

Saw Rilo Kiley, and realized I really did like their last album.

Quit smoking, with the help of some Juicy Fruit-flavored nicotine gum that really tasted like pepper and eventually I REALLY liked. Smokeless after a decade of delicious cigarettes daily.

Spent a week in California. It's beautiful and looks like a movie set. At least, it does if you spend a week in Orange. I ran into a classmate from college there, which made the world small. I had a week long crush on a boy who was twenty and had a mustache.

Summer/Fall 2008. Haze of job loss and too much fun and too many feelings and a trip to Colorado. A calm descended for a few months, and while the storm that followed perhaps has ended, the aftermath is still being sifted.

Coffee was slung and paper suits were worn and that was beautiful.

My Poison Ivy costume for Halloween was pretty awesome.

Winter 2009. A Christmas Carole Finale Mach 2. More songs, better voice for lack of cigarettes. Handled the Minnesota winter and my life weakly. My car totally made it through the winter, and wasn't so bad, once I got the heater fixed.

Got a job stocking natural foods at a fast-growing and fabulous market. (All food stores are markets at this point in my life, due to teaching vocabulary to small children.) The health of my knees declined while my knowledge of health foods increased exponentially.

Spring 2009. Coffee and kombucha. Pinter. Waking Up in a Strange Place Called Home, running around in uniform, sharing the spotlight with my Mercury Tracer that could be heard for miles around.

Summer 2009. Love Me or Die!, and all of the wonderful people that it involved, and all that it took to accomplish.

Shortly after rehearsing for Artery 24 and eating a giant burrito, my car broke down on Central Avenue and was pushed out of traffic by a variety of strong and very loyal friends, who let me drink their Sonic beverages in the heat, and eventually, my car got towed to the municipal lot. In the end, I donated it, which is the best ending to that story.

My love of a certain few friends swelled beyond measure, just in time for me to board a plane with a suitcase full of unsuitable clothing and a head full of muddled thoughts.

Fall 2009. Oh, yeah. I came here, in part, to be in a position to have lots of time for self-reflection. For self-improvement. I feel like neither is being accomplished, but at least I'm getting a sort of jump start on the first bit by doing some written reflection here, and beginning to write a bit on the weekends. I wanted to be someplace where I didn't need two jobs, where I wasn't constantly attached to extra-curricular activities.

I'm wondering if maybe, while often rendering me too busy for sleep, if perhaps those extra-curriculars didn't offer me a bit of grounding that I'm now missing here in these far reaches. I do miss being with people and making things, and part of my quest was to confirm whether or not I would, in fact, miss that. Okay, I do.

I was asked recently when the last time I'd done something purely selfish was, something that focused inward and attempted to make my life a better one, and in the moment, I completely forgot that this trip was supposed to be that, completely. I've gotten so caught up in whether or not I'm any good at my job, whether I'm ruining the lives (or at least the afternoons) of small children, that I'd forgotten that I came here for no one other than me. That I didn't come here expecting anything more than some solace. Solace that I've not been allowing myself to find.

I came here hoping I'd feel a little more calm, a little less crazy than I had felt back home, by stripping away some of the time consumption ... forgetting that I'd have to learn a whole new skill set, perhaps make a new set of friends, create a whole new temporary little life.

I guess it's time for me to remember what I'm here for and get to it. It's time to be self-centered, in the best way possible. Give myself as much room as I need to become, well, myself. Do all the things I've always wanted to do but felt too busy to actually get done. Learn that making myself happy isn't selfish.

Hey!

List time!

Korea!

PROS:
1. The kids are adorable.
2. They make me laugh.
3. It's cheap to live here.
4. The public transportation is awesome.
5. There is plenty of coffee to drink. (Though I continue to drink powdered instant coffee at work even though it tastes poisonous. I can't stop! MUST GET A COFFEEMAKER!)
6. My job pays my rent.
7. I don't need a visa to go to Thailand for vacation.
8. I get to live alone.
9. I have a friend close by, and we care about what happens to each other.
10. I have some other friends, not too far away, who are delightful.
11. I have internet access.
12. The wine at the Home Plus Express is pretty cheap.
13. I talk to my parents on a regular basis.
14. Teaching is making me want to learn.
15. I have enough time that I will have enough time to go to the gym. When I stop being a slacker.
16. I may get to teach even tinier students next semester. BRING IT.

CONS:
1. I sometimes fear I am confusing my students more than I am teaching them.
2. I hate disciplining students.
3. STOP TALKING. No, I don't mean my students.
4. I am deathly homesick for my parents and those currently braving winter in Minneapolis.
5. I just want to get healthy, and as said above, I am being a slacker. I get no exercise. I eat vegetables only when they come with rice at a restaurant. I eat mostly bread and noodles. I drink mostly coffee and wine. Really, this just sounds like I need some good, serious New Years Resolutions, doesn't it? I just feel like a pale, puffed fish every day, and if I can't get around to doing anything about it now, it's only going to get worse.
6. Please be patient.
7. All my crazy is coming out full force, and I have only a hand full of friends with whom to share it in person. I feel at risk of alienating them with the crazy. It's made me realize that I'd at some point like to work through the crazy, instead of just living through it when it rears its head. I want to feel stronger. I want to be less scared of admitting those parts of myself.
8. I can't explain adverbs and that makes me feel like a fraud.

So, PROS currently outway CONS, in both quality and quantity. So, that's good. I'll keep working on that PROS list. Not so much that I'll stay here forever, mind you, just enough to make the next 9 months as awesome as they can be.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER STARTING FROM THE MICRO AND BY YOU I MEAN ME or WINTER 2010:
1. Join a gym.
2. Buy a coffeemaker for the teacher's room.
3. Get some clothes that make you feel less like a slob.
4. Have more dance parties. Alone in your room, just like you like them.
5. Take deep breaths.
6. Go outside more.
7. Really start researching grad schools.
8. Drink more water.
9. Write more. It always makes you feel good.
10. Learn Korean.

Hey. You. I like you. Thank you for reading, and for caring enough to do so. If you made it all the way through this, this MONSTER, congratulations. You win a prize and my unconditional love and gratitude. It was more than a little melodramatic at times. It was more than a little long-winded beginning to end. But for two hundred I've extended "don't self-edit" to "don't edit at all" and this is what you get. So there.

1 degree,
2 bad knees,
2 and 1/2 boyfriends,
3 broken hearts,
4 years,
5 changes of location,
12 jobs,
137 zits,
200 posts,
870 grey hairs,
1000 tears,
2920 cups of coffee,
9430 emails not deleted,
at least 10,000 laughs,
and so much love,

b

pleased to meet you

2009-11-18T09:21:00.005-05:00

2 cryers today, HOWEVER, Julie made friends with Monica today and started to speak, out loud, in sentences. BREAKTHROUGH, PEOPLE. It was awesome.

I wish you could see all of these kids, in person, in all their rambunctious, idiosyncratic glory. In our most fluid moments, it's like conducting, paying attention to each instrument at once, giving them their moment, trying to fit them all into an understandable whole. In many moments, we're a mash up of marching band and orchestra, everyone playing at once in a totally different keys, drummers and brass and squeaky violins, me with a broken conductor's wand, so small that no one can see me waving it furiously.

And so it goes.

Speaking of 'furiously,' today we did adverbs in the 2nd grade level class, and while it's easy to teach 'describes a verb,' it's not so easy when it's 'describes an adjective or another adverb.' Also, 'ends in -ly' is one thing, but then there's 'there' and 'here' and 'then' and 'now,' which really ought to be 3 lessons instead of just one. Also, I don't remember EVER learning about adverbs. Not directly, not by name. Ever. Whoops.

*

So, since I've only received input from one source as to the subject matter to be covered in the impending weblog #200, THIS IS SERIOUS PEOPLE, I'm going to guess it's going to run a little like this: a life in review, 2005 - present. Epic. Sprawling. Incoherent and ridiculous. You ready for that? Yeah? If you have a better idea, or something you wish to be included, bring it, and bring it fast, 'cause I'm crankin' that baby out by the weekend.

Do you like how I write sometimes like I have an opera house's worth of an audience, instead of an intimate room full of the five of you? It's a lot like when I start talking to a crowd of 50 when I'm really only talking to my one friend who's sitting across from me. I need to be reigned in sometimes, and sometimes, it's just best to let me go.

Venus from chewingmedulla on Vimeo.

Walking Tour

2009-11-16T11:14:00.001-05:00

Best thing I've done in Korea.

Check it out.

Incheon Walkers' Stories

Another Monday...

2009-11-16T09:43:00.002-05:00

...survived.

Julie finally said a word today in class. Barely a whisper, but she totally said 'yes' when I asked her if she was happy today.

Jenny didn't call Julie bad today.

Both the new girls have great handwriting.

Andy was back after being gone for 2 weeks and asked to call his mom 45 minutes into class because his stomach hurt, as usual. Poor kid/get a grip/both.

Thomas wasn't grumpy and didn't fall asleep.

Lots of kids really wanted to snuggle today, for one reason or another.

Samuel didn't fight me when I sent him to the hall for punching Nick.

Nobody cried today.

On a different note:

THE POLLS ARE NOW OPEN. Now taking votes on the theme/topics to be covered in without trousseau or change of underwear post #200.

11.11

2009-11-15T08:10:00.004-05:00

Pepero is a cookie stick, dipped in chocolate.

It's modeled after Japanese Pocky.

It's delicious, and sometimes it's covered in crushed almonds.

November 11th is Korea's Pepero Day, reportedly because 11.11 looks like four sticks of Pepero, and was apparently created by a bunch of middle school girls (literally) in the '90s. I'm currently eating my way through an entire box in an evening, which is probably not a great idea, health wise, but dang, some darkish chocolate covering a somewhat salty breadstick-like cookie to compliment a glass of red wine? How exactly could I be expected to stop myself? Not to mention they'll just go stale if I don't eat them all, anyway. 11.11 is like Korea's Valentine's Day - people give Pepero and various little gifts and cards to their loved ones, and (lucky me) sometimes to their teachers.

Yum.

Oh, yeah, I just remembered. The box of Pepero I'm currently munching my way through was given to me not by a student, not by my employer, but by one of the guys at the pizza place I go to in my neighborhood. He totally soothed my jangled nerves after a middle-aged Korean guy tried to get me to eat dinner at his house while I was sitting waiting for a pizza on the stoop of the restaurant. Thanks, Pizza Guy!

Cheating, or...

2009-11-12T11:24:00.004-05:00

... a picture's worth a thousand words?

I am:

2009-10-21T09:02:00.003-04:00

1. Homesick.

2. Full of delicious spicy cashew chicken with red and green pepper, onion, garlic.

3. Thinking that eating delicious food could possibly be the only way to get past being unbearably homesick.

4. Worried my kids will all fail their monthly tests tomorrow and Friday.

5. Looking forward to seeing some art projects on Saturday afternoon.

6. Wishing there was a cafe in my neighborhood where I could read books and drink coffee late at night. Doing that at home is just not the same. Especially when you have nothing but overhead florescents and folding chairs.

7. Devouring Her Fearful Symmetry at a perhaps dangerous rate.

8. Sad that I've already read 8 1/2 out of 9 of the Murakami books they have at the English language bookstore.

9. Overwhelmed by the list of things I should do to make myself feel less crazy, less burdened, less lonely, more productive, more clearheaded.

10. Proud of Samuel and Minnie for making Honor Roll.

11. Proud of my mama for learning how to email. Yay, Mama!

12. Homesick.

Korean TV

2009-10-18T00:25:00.000-04:00

This is the commercial that by all rights I should hate, should want to smash/burn/kill, but jeez the girl is cute and I get the jingle stuck in my head almost daily. I know it's evil, but I love it! Even though I don't speak Korean! Or have any idea what it's selling! Seriously, we all know this commercial, and more of us that you would guess secretly can't get enough of it.

I would give you the extended version with more people dancing if the internet would give it to me. CURSE YOU, INTERWEBS!

Consumer Culture

2009-10-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

My pants are wrinkled and I'm nowhere near business casual, let alone business business. I need an iron. And some nicer clothes.

***
There are places to buy things every 2 feet here. Socks, underwear, utensils, plants, apples, rotisserie chickens, pancakes, squid jerky, sesame leaves, shower shoes, utensils, peanuts, live clams, fish shaped cakes with bean paste middle... On any busy street are shops and street vendors, on any given side alley, you might find an open air market. I live right near 3 marketplaces (that I know of) that combine tiny storefronts with covered stalls to carry all your daily essentials. The most fun, so far, to venture through is up behind my apartment, on the way towards the little mountain that you'd never guess was hiding back there.

Does anyone know how to get a whole octopus home from the market? Will they cut it into pieces for me if I ask? Or am I just going to have to put it on a tarp and employ several of my beefiest friends to help me carry it?

Not long ago, I ate what was basically brined fish jerky. Snack fish are big here. Along with snack squid and snack octopus.

Chili pepper chili pepper chili pepper. Imagine this many chili peppers. Okay, multiply it by about 15, imagine it in giant heaping piles on sheets on the ground being sorted through by aging Korean ladies. Hello! Welcome to the streets of Seoul!

I'm already beginning to suffer from withdrawal from the taste of chili peppers when I eat anything that's not spicy. Some people complain about the spice, and granted, in can obscure other flavors, but DANG it's exciting to eat food that makes your face go numb. Okay, maybe not for everyone, but I dig it.

The View

2009-10-14T11:07:00.010-04:00

My apartment building, a mere 6 stories with some private golfing (apparently) on the roof, is situated just so in a row of shops and apartments and restaurants and millions of things to buy that one would never be able to get enough perspective to know that there's a mountain. Right there. Take a right outside my front door, a right onto any of the side streets, weave your way up through some hilly residential area (a quaint sight that also seems incongruous in its proximity to our somewhat gritty digs), and suddenly you'll be walking up a well kept path on a modest mountain. To your left will be nearly forest. On your left, a sea of apartment buildings that barely seem real, and public exercise equipment.

I had the delight of seeing women hula hooping and using something like a cross between playground equipment and a gazelle, men praying (on my way up) and drinking and eating fried chicken (on the way down), children catching a bird in a net and freaking out, community spring waters, and an adorable white puppy covered in mud, all on the same walk around our little mountain.

Residential.

Buddhists, not Nazis. Look at those little flowers a growin.'

Mountain steps! (P.S. There are so many adorable cruiser bicycles here. I miss you, bike!)

Here is the pagoda where we were fed Korean pancake and kimchi and makgeolli by some very friendly people eating brunch. Delicious. We need to remember to have brunch there before it freezes.

Past all those buildings! Another mountain! Can you see it?

Cool, fresh mountain water!

hey, remember...

2009-10-09T14:49:00.019-04:00

...how i had that awesome going away party?

J&J gave me beautiful Gerbera daisies (technically, that was several days pre-going away, but still)...

Another beautiful J&J, from Janine's, came out to play (I write in the notebook and/or wear the earrings daily, ladies)...

What these beautiful men are doing made sense in the moment, and that's all that matters...

Scot, loyal 'til the end, hope to see you soon, my friend...

Laura, making an angle...

Mike, drinking BEER!

Tim, Andrew, and Laura, being awesome...

Tim, Andrew, and Laura, being MORE awesome...

No words exist to describe us...

Loungy...

Cue happiness!...

BEN!...

Aaaaaaaaannnd, someone please put me to bed. Thanks, Minneapolis, you are freaking awesome.

little fascinations

2009-09-20T01:55:00.004-04:00

1. Kids in Korea are trained to call their Korean teachers 'teacher,' as a sign of respect for the elders. Teachers at some hogwans are known by their first name combined with 'teacher,' as in 'Tony-teacher' or 'Megan-teacher.' At my school, we use the western style 'Mr.' 'Ms.' etc., but can choose to use our first or last name, depending on our preference. Saying teacher is so deeply ingrained, of course, that even my youngest kids still say 'teacher' every five seconds when they need help.

'Teach-ah, octopus spelling is what?'

2. Knowing literally nothing about Korean grammar, my guess is that either question words go at the end of the sentence or there is just inflection to indicate a question. That inflection is, of course, still necessary in English, and sometimes takes the place of a question word. Working with my kids, though, to get them to practice putting question words at the beginning of a question sentence is not easy. Not easy simply because I'm already so used to hearing the way they construct those sentences that it's starting to sound normal.

'Teach-ah, this is why?'

3. Daily, I hear 'Teach-ah, he is boyfriend?' in regards to any and every male teacher my kids see me talking to. One kid writes 'Ms. Blake *heart* Mr. Wall' on the white board every break time. I wear a ring on my right hand, and my students on Friday asked me if my boyfriend gave it to me. This doesn't cease to crack me up.

4. Lots of the little kids really like to climb on the male teachers during break time, to get lifted up and to see how strong the teachers are. I'll bet all the teachers seem really big, in comparison to these little ones, not to mention the stature of their parents, for the most part. I finally had one kid do it to me on Friday, grab onto my arm to lift her up, so I did, and she was pretty impressed.

'Wow! Strong!'

Yeah, and you way, like, 25 pounds.

5. I have one student who, every time we use crayons to color the pictures that start with a certain sound, reminds me very loudly, 'Ms. Blake, I don't like color,' to which I say, 'I know, Matthew, just write instead.' He always uses his pencil to write the words of each picture, and he's well on his way to being a better speller than some of my 4th grade age kids. I asked him once why he doesn't like to color, and he gave me a very long-winded, complex answer about how colors are too messy that I didn't really understand, so I just let him be.

So, no colors because they're messy, and even better, he hates sweets. One day, when I asked what their favorite ice cream was, Matthew answered, 'I don't like ice cream. I like vegetable.' On the day we talked about favorite foods, most kids said a fruit (which is really cool), but Matthew said, 'My favorite food is vegetable.' When we talk about apples, he talks about vegetables.

Needless to say, I like to encourage his quirks.

6. I was asking some of my students what kind of animal they would write a story about, if they could write about anything.

'Rabbit.' 'Rhinoceros beetle.' 'Shark.'

Tommy's response?

'I like lion and tiger, white tiger, liger, lion, tiger.'

That's right. One of Tommy's favorite animals is the liger.

7. 'Teach-ah, what minute?' seems to mean some combination of 'What time is it?' and 'How long until the end of class?' My standard answer to this somewhat infuriating question is the equally infuriating 'many minutes.'

full of lightness, full of weight

2009-09-19T06:40:00.004-04:00

Lazing the day away, enjoying idleness and some light cleaning, eating a tasty egg-potato-broccoli concoction, drinking cups of coffee, and spending a lovely few hours talking to Ari on Skype after she got home from work. Couldn't quite shake the weirdness of talking to my computer with its built-in mic, no headset or handset or anything, just me talking alone in my room... I'll never stop being thankful for that girl who understands all the best and worst about me and the fact that we will never run out of things to talk about. Thank goodness technology can connect me to the reassuring sound of her voice for free, because I could easily rack up the bills it would previously have taken.

Currently sitting in my digs listening to music, eating spicy noodles and drinking orange juice, candles burning, thinking about going downstairs to get some bleach for my drains (the drains really start to stink things up around these parts), happy to be chilling out, happy to be right here right now.

Last night ended up as a noribang adventure that included teachers from both ends of this crazy city - Joe and Heidi were there with their friend Laura, Shannon, Allison and Bethany from Magnet, and wonderful Lauren, former head teacher of my school. We ate chips and Joe and I sang songs we knew only marginally with much gusto ('Celebrity Skin' and 'Origin of Love'), Heidi got down with some Disney, some ladies busted out some opera, I kicked the ass of 'One Way or Another,' and I got to hear Lauren sing the US national anthem with her stellar set of pipes, followed closely by a lively rendition of 'Oh, Canada.' (Why oh why didn't I take any pictures of this?? Gotta do better with the documentation.)

And then?

And THEN?

(This is the exciting part.)

I got in a cab by myself and I remembered the words my coworkers taught me for right and left and straight and we didn't get lost and then presto! I was home!

I think that's pretty exciting, thank you very much.

Korean vocabulary currently includes: 'hello,' 'thank you,' 'goodbye,' 'beef,' 'right,' 'left,' 'straight,' and 'over here.'

***

As we approach the 4th week of the 1st month, I certainly still have my moments when my emotions overtake me after second graders Samuel and James spend 2 hours making noise, making faces, farting, and generally doing everything they can find to do other than their work. I'm still trying to settle into discerning in the moment what needs to be taken care of and what needs to be ignored in favor of more important things. Though there is no tragedy, no disaster, simply a hard days work done, I am sometimes overcome. Those of you prone to emotionality in this way may understand what I'm talking about, others may not. I'm taking the advice of a friend and allowing a deep breath to precede the moment when the tears flow, and combining it with the advice of another friend who is a bit of a fountain of tears themself, and not feeling guilty about it when it happens. Let it happen if it has to, let it be a release of energy, a catharsis, and at the same time striving to not let the manifestation of my emotions take the place of actively seeking solutions when there's a problem at hand.

Right now, I am thinking that it ends up being less about how I experience emotion, and more about dealing with and letting go of fear and doubt, and just ... being. Just being the teacher that I am, doing my best, not spending all my time worrying about whether or not I'm doing it right, whether I'm any good at it.

(That last sentence, while about being a teacher, really ought to be said about being, well, a person on this planet.)

Anyway, I'm here to do my best, and then to experience a lot more than just working at a hogwan. I'm here to see the world, to meet new people, to become ever more myself, to try new things, and, most of all, to have the time to contemplate all of this. Constructively, not with the circular thinking that often pervades my mind when I'm too busy to sort anything out.

I'm here to put my thoughts into words, on paper or outloud, to voice them and then to be able to keep the ones I need and ditch the rest.

I'm here to appreciate the gravity of life, but to cultivate lightness in the face of it. To not take life so, well, seriously.

Oh, yeah, and I'm also here to spend Saturdays idle in my apartment in Western Seoul, sometimes turning my brain on, sometimes turning it on standby, drinking coffee and breathing.

Whew. Heavy.

The next post will be full of pictures, I promise. And anecdotes about adorable Korean children.

15 months later...

2009-09-13T10:14:00.003-04:00

... and sometimes all I want in the world is a cigarette.

Weekend

2009-09-13T06:52:00.002-04:00

Lost and some bulgogi pizza and a nap and then some ice cream and some more Lost.

Sometimes you just need to stay in to have some fun.

Happy Sunday.

10 Things I Know on a Tuesday Night

2009-09-01T11:07:00.004-04:00

1. We're coming close to the 200 posts mark. Measly, for the 4 years I've been writing at this address. Awesome, because it's a MILESTONE, GODDAMIT.

2. We started class today, with our own classes and everything. Yesterday (Monday) turned out to be the end of the summer intensive, so the three new teachers at our school were in charge of covering the class of a guy whose contract was over. Nice to meet students, totally lame to be in class with 3 groups at the end of the semester, after they've had snack parties to celebrate the end of the semester, trying to play 'games' with them to reinforce school rules. Today was much, much better. Real lesson plans, books, new classes, fresh semester.

I taught a group of kids who are basically between kindergarten and 1st grade level at our school about 's' and 'm,' at the beginning, middle, and ends of words. I discusses families, the calendar, and the words 'meet,' 'pleased,' 'hobby,' 'interest,' 'where,' and 'too' with some 1st grade level kids. All of these kids know more English, and more about everything, than I would ever have guessed. Including the kids who don't want to raise their hands and answer questions. I've already figured out the kids that I'll need work on sitting in their chair (no, not the chair next to you, no, not the desk, YOUR chair), and the ones who don't want to offer up answers, even though they know it exactly. Hopefully I can find some way to get them to sit down/engage them.

Um, also, we played a lot of hangman. Because one of our books for the classroom wasn't delivered today. And hangman is AWESOME.

Tomorrow I teach those two classes again, and add my other class, a 2nd grade level class. The 2st graders were so freaking smart (and rowdy), I can't even begin to guess what will happen with these guys tomorrow. I've heard that one of them always vetoes game time in favor of studying; I've read a couple of her essays, she's clearly amazing. So, tomorrow will be yet a new adventure.

3. I still haven't figured out my zip code. I'm sure you're all dying to send me mail, right?

4. Soju (liquor cheaper than water, good for toasts and numbing your mouth after totally, riotously, righteously spicy food) is also good to pour on bug bites to get them to stop itching. At least until I get to the pharmacy and properly articulate 'mogi' in order to get some sort of tincture.

5. There was an adorable, new, cute little boy who was a. doing the robot or b. being a dinosaur when he was not sitting in his chair today. I only managed to ask him to sit down once, because whatever he was doing when he was standing was so fascinating. Don't get trapped by the cute, dude, just don't do it.

6. I went out to get a drink on break and one little girl gave me a hug for 2 minutes while another held my hand. All while I still got a drink from the cooler. And I had three kids give me a hug who weren't in my class (who I met yesterday), and another 7 say hello to me by name in the hall. These kids are AWESOME. And know how to write and spell. Even if some of them refuse to do it. I hope I can hold up my end of the deal and help them learn more and do good tests and stuff. Yeah.

7. I got a huge bed, but now I really need a mattress topper of some sort. That thing is as hard as my mom's bed, which defies some kind of physics in being harder than the floor.

8. I'm not jet lagged anymore, I don't think, but my sleep schedule is not what it ought to be, that's for sure.

9. I had an adventure on Sunday that included a market, a mountain, makkoli, and a mineral spring. Pictures to follow when it's not so late.

10. Any suggestions for cool/informational stuff I can hang up in my classroom that at different times will house kids from post-kinder to 2nd grade? I'm a little freaked out by how many grammar posters are up right now - that's great teaching, but I don't know if I know what all of it means, which seems shady. Taking suggestions. Alright.

11. How do I get Google to stop being in Korean? Like, completely? Not good enough at hangul for this yet; I'm hopeful that someday...

It's 1 AM in South Korea. I'd probably better go to bed.

Just the Beginning

2009-08-27T04:23:00.007-04:00

We're here, we're here, we're here!

While I was able to sleep most of the way through the flight from Minneapolis to San Fran, I couldn't catch a break but for a 40 minute snooze in all of our 12:25 hr flight to Seoul. Luckily, Korean Air is officially Freaking Awesome. Pashmina-esque blankets, little bags labeled 'for-your-comfort' with socks, sleep mask, toothbrush, and toothpaste, and bottles of water all waiting for us when we got on the plane. Totally respectable airplane food, including a beef-filled sweet bun for breakfast that was surprisingly delicious. And best of all, individual entertainment centers for each seat, with so many movies and music and games that it didn't matter one bit that I couldn't sleep: Adventureland, Sunshine Cleaning, Taken, I Love You, Man, some Stan Getz, a little Thelonius Monk, and (I couldn't get off the plane without watching at least one really really trashy something) He's Just Not That Into You.

Upon arrival, we had a little mix-up with our transportation, but eventually were driven to meet Eric, a really nice, helpful gentlemen in charge of all kinds of things related to getting teachers legally in the country and settled into their lives. He got Todd checked into his co-op (he's staying there til Sunday, and then he'll be moving into an apartment in my building), and then took me to my new digs. Got me set up with a bag full of bedding (need something to make it feel less like I'm sleeping directly on box springs, but at least I have a nice comforter), a bag of kitchenware, and even took me next door to the convenience store to get a few snacks:

Since arrival, I've also received a fridge (important), a tv with cable (for educational purposes only), cable internet (fast and awesome), and a table and chairs (good for grading homework, and for eating, because I've lost my ability to sit cross-legged on the floor for any length of time).

We've only had one day of training out of the time we've been here, at least for my school - we're technically 'quarantined,' and can't go on campus until Monday. So, we've just been exploring, eating things, trying to get around without knowing any Korean. Today we went out in search of converters for our plugs, and ended up in placed eMarket, in a giant complex called iMall, and there found an awesome grocery store (little kids in 'kids-heart-beef' t-shirts in a photo shoot around a giant hamburger, plus pretty much any kind of groceries we might want, including some Western staples), some Baskin Robbins (dude, they are EVERYWHERE here, along with Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks, and many pizza chains ... weird), and a sweet food court with examples of all of the food in the front so we knew what we were ordering.

I've met some of the people who live on my floor, all of them teachers for the same school, and they were all incredibly nice and helpful: sharing tips, food (nectarines, anchovies), and maps. They're not actually teaching at the same campus that I will be, so I won't see them at work, but hopefully I'll get a chance to see them around here. Tonight, we'll get a chance to meet even more people at a going-away party for the outgoing teachers from our school.

I'm sorry this isn't a more coherent tale, but alas, not much to be done now. This is, after all, just the beginning.

The view outside my window:

buh-buh-buh-bye....

2009-08-23T00:25:00.002-04:00

Travel plans have changed a bit- Minneapolis to San Fransisco, San Fransisco to Seoul - but all four of us leaving on this adventure get to go on the same flights, get to keep each other company over this next long day, over these next many miles.

It's finally here, just hours away.

Dearest dear friends, I miss you already.

And to the friends I've yet to meet - YOU'D BETTER GET READY.

G'night, Minneapolis.

Monday

2009-08-18T13:42:00.002-04:00

...woke up ate cheese took a shower dropped off laura gave elliott his accordion picked up bike sold books bought books about korea bought manicure set watched tv picked up laura tried on clothes with no dressing room at the target remainder salvation army bought some teacher clothes ate cheese puffs watched tv talked to sprint guy about korea drank drinks ate cheese saw beautiful faces had great fun said goodbyes boy i'm gonna miss you smelled flowers tried to order pizza but it was too late...

... the countdown begins ...

2009-08-17T13:59:00.002-04:00

So, it's for real.

Now that I can take a moment to sit down, after the flurry of activity that has been the last many months... I have a visa, I have a plane ticket, I haven't packed yet.

SUN AUG 23
MSP to ORD
MINNEAPOLIS ST PL, MN to CHICAGO, IL
depart 8:40am SUN arrive 9:55am SUN
1hr15min

SUN AUG 23
ORD to ICN
CHICAGO, IL to SEOUL INCHEON INT, KOREA REPUBLIC
depart at 12:35am SUN arrive 4:00pm MON
13hr25min

teeth and smoke and wings and things

2009-07-02T09:31:00.002-04:00

Dear Toothfairy:

My teeth have been falling out in my dreams again. If I put them under my dream pillow, can I redeem them for things in real life? Like the new Metric, maybe?

This morning, in dream Lawrence, I dream smoked a half a pack of dream cigarettes. I convinced myself that 10 cigarettes in a year still counted as quitting. Considering I likely smoked an average of 4000 cigarettes a year when I did smoke in real life, I don't think that logic is really far off. 10 cigarettes = 1/400th the normal rate of smoking.

Should I start a separate blog about my travels, a la Guatestrad, Kevman's blog of yore? Or should I just write on this here blog o' mine, this blog that will turn 4 years old in September? I just thought I'd offer the question up to the blogoverse before making any rash decisions.

Feeling more myself again, after many days adrift on a sea of salt.

LMOD!

2009-07-02T08:00:00.000-04:00

Atonement

2009-06-25T09:28:00.003-04:00

Dearest dear,

Let me air my laundry list of indiscretions:

I have gotten behind on all of my bills.
I owe multiple friends money.
I have been taking things too personally.
I have been initiating terse, frustrated conversations.
I have not been answering my phone, nor returning phone calls.
I have not been answering emails, unless they are about the show(s).
I dream of letters, but do not send them.
I dream of hugs, but do not give them.
I can't pay attention to any one thing for more than 5 minutes.
Every time I go into my room to clean it, I fall asleep instead.
All of my white hairs are starting to show again.
I'm so full of pathos it's just absurd.
I don't write on the internet anymore.

Please forgive me for my sins, and I will do my best to get my shit together. At least by the end of the summer in time to fly far, far away.

I adore you.

Love,
Me

He Woke Up In A Strange Place Called Home And Although Looking For Bed He Kept Finding Death Instead

2009-05-07T09:56:00.002-04:00

Find out about this.

Better Better Best

2009-04-01T23:42:00.002-04:00

1. My last post was, alas, a dream I had the other morning while I was sleeping on the couch in my basement inside of two sleeping bags. So, New York will just have to wait.

2. Conversation at 5AM while weighing jars of spices for inventory:

Me: Taste Adventure Split Pea Soup?
Jamie: Yes, definitely.
Me: No, but ... Taste Adventure?
Jamie: Yes, it's an adventure ... You know the part in Star Wars where they're stuck in the trash compactor? Some people would call that an adventure. It's like that.
Me: So, you're saying it's like a garbage adventure in my mouth?
Jamie: Yes, that's what I'm saying. Reconstituted soup tastes like farts.

3. I have a new phone and it's shiny.

New York City Dreamin'

2009-03-31T12:56:00.002-04:00

Somebody has to take a weekend off from ASTRONOME, and I get fitted for their costume just in time for the show to start. Unfortunately, the only thing anyone says to me about what I'm supposed to DO is 'Follow me.'

Luckily, Richard wasn't, for some reason, in attendance at this performance.

I get Brendan to promise to tell me what I'm actually supposed to do before the next night's performance.

I realize I have nowhere to stay while I'm acting in the show. I try desperately to remember how to get to Unoppressive Non-Imperialist Bargain Books, and start walking.

Laika's Coffin

2009-03-27T17:21:00.002-04:00

If you live in Minneapolis, please go to Toy Theater After Dark at the Open Eye tonight or tomorrow. You will be missing a really important opportunity to see some amazing works. (The good pieces were so good as to happily erase all ill will I might have had towards the not-so-good pieces.)

Check this out, alright?

Tonight!

2009-03-20T16:58:00.002-04:00

I will play a song on the guitar in front of people other than the people that live in my house. Whee!

I'm nervous, but I'm wearing cowboy boots, so I feel like everything is going to be alright.

noodles

2009-03-09T21:11:00.007-04:00

Lifting boxes and putting things on shelves all day makes me feel like a noodle. Not a wet, soggy noodle, but an al dente noodle that didn't make it all the way into the pot, so it still has some really crunchy spots.

This crunchy noodle needs to settle into her schedule, take more satisfying naps, get a new set of knees, and feel some spring air on her face. Possibly, this crunchy noodle needs a vacation.

Some Things That Are Good:

Coraline

Thai Kitchen Pad Thai

No One Belongs Here More Than You

Lesson One

2009-02-09T16:41:00.005-05:00

Pacific Natural Foods Hazelnut Milk

I drank some of this at room temperature (serving suggestion is chilled). Slightly chalky, but not as chalky as rice milk. Definitely nutty, a little bit sweet, apparently from a brown rice sweetener. Steamed for a latte, not quite as neutral a canvas for the coffee as soy, but my taste buds are pretty used to soy at this point. Made for a nutty cup of joe.

Michael Angelo's Roasted Chicken Bolognese

The pasta was nicely al dente, and the tomatoes were flavorful. The chicken's texture was a little bit lacking. Not bad as far as frozen pasta dishes go, although I need to remember to put frozen meals in a proper dish if I'm to feel like it's a real meal. Oh, and it was on sale. That makes it taste better.

Cultural Revolution

2009-02-07T19:55:00.002-05:00

Try their vanilla yogurt. Try it by itself before you go adding anything to it. I mean it. Delish.

I need someone who knows me really well to recommend something new for me to listen to. Specifically, something you can burn for me and send me in the mail? Yeah? I need some fresh tunes in my life.

Food Education

2009-02-05T18:05:00.002-05:00

I straightened products in the baking/snack/cereal aisle today, and there are things that I've never, ever noticed, for all of the co-ops I've frequented in my life.

Garbanzo bean flour.
Quinoa flakes.
Hazelnut milk.

I feel like trying everything in every aisle that I've never had before. Even the gross stuff. Just so I know what it's like. So, once I get some money in my wallet, I'm going to enjoy a little food self-educating, and I'll let you know what I try and how I like it.

I think it's going to take me a long time to figure out where everything is, but as far as first days go, this one was pretty good. And I got found a free orange, a free loaf of sunflower bread, a free cookie, and a free Ginger Spice tea bag before I hit the road.

Yum.

Now I know...

2009-01-30T09:18:00.003-05:00

...why I once thought to myself, 'Man, I took a shower an hour ago,' and then realized I was just walking past a bratwurst stand.

Men Smell of Cheese and Women of Onions

Puff the Magic Dragon

2009-01-28T16:51:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to recordings of my dad playing songs for my friend Megan.

I can hear Megan laugh sometimes, at jokes that I'll never know because I'm not there, and that makes me happy.

I wish we were sitting on my mom's porch, perched on the railing, while my dad plays and I sing along, drinking delicious beverages and feeling glad to know each other, and glad to be alive. You and me and everyone we know who likes that front porch.

***

In other news:

No need to worry, I have another part time job, one that will make sure me and mine are fed full of good foods all the time.

jazz 88

2009-01-23T14:56:00.002-05:00

I think that the student DJ on the radio today is playing exactly the same set he played yesterday. Cause I know I heard something by the James Taylor Quartet AND a string version of 'Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead' yesterday when I was working.

Seriously. Not cool, dude.

Some Notes on Life and Living

2009-01-23T11:26:00.004-05:00

Notes on Life:

* I've got a brand new pair of *ice* skates, you've got a brand new *?*...

* Astronome at the Ontological looks awesome. Three friends are in it. Who wants to take me to New York on a little vacation to see it?

* I may become a grocery stocker. I may also become counter help at a French bakery that is very far from my house, but I hear makes great French eats. I may, if possible, go on tour doing plays for children.

* My birthday is in one month and one week.

* I still haven't sent out those challenge prizes. Damn that procrastination gene.

* We're making some petite performances. We're thinking to the future. Kevlar, are you thinking about containers? Dawn, remember when we were thinking of eggs and adolescence? I'm about ready to start sitting in cafes that aren't the one I work in, sipping hot drinks and thinking of objects and space.

***

Notes on living:

1. Eat lots of vegetables.
2. Go for walks.
3. Shovel the snow.
4. Clean your bowl right after you eat out of it, even if the dishwasher is full.
5. Plan your garden to dream of spring.
6. Play on the ice to make a dream of winter.
7. Change your socks before you go to bed.

Who's Lame?

2009-01-14T17:29:00.003-05:00

Me, for how incredibly long it's been since I've written anything.

Sadly, I don't really have anything to say in this moment, other than that I'm looking for a job. Again. Sheesh.

Oh, and it's -5 degrees, -25 with the wind chill today. (Glad I got some outdoor time in on Sunday! Yay for some skating and lots of falling!)

I promise I'll write something more substantial soon. Cross my heart.

b

Merry Merry

2008-12-23T08:53:00.005-05:00

I am excited for Christmas.

I am excited to see my mom and dad, my aunts, my grandparents, my uncles and cousins and second cousins. I am excited to eat delicious food and have hugs and dancing to jazzy Christmas music all day long. I'm excited to see Kyle and laugh until I can't breathe and see my old schoolmates and tell them over and over that yes, it's effing cold in Minnesota, and yes, I did actually quit smoking, thanks.

I'm excited for a road trip with two of my favoritest friend people.

Heck, I'm excited for the little drive South with another one of my favoritest friend people to get me to the bus.

So what I'm saying here is... watch out! I'm in a goooood mooooooood.

b-tistheseason

P.S. I not only remember how to knit after putting my knitting in the closet for 9 months, I also FINALLY figured out how to finish the end of the first thing I ever knitted! And it's off keeping someone's neck warm! Hooray!

Sleigh Bells Jinglin'

2008-12-20T12:02:00.002-05:00

Dude.

I finally got some waterproof boots. (Thanks, Pops!)

Who wants to go play in all this freaking snow??? Yeah yeah yeah!

Also, who has the inventory necessary to take me on a one horse open sleight?

Acoustic

2008-12-13T12:37:00.002-05:00

I'd forgotten just how much I like listening to acoustic music at coffeeshops until last night.

Two guitars, a ukulele, some poetry, some improv, a lot of coffee. Yes, thank you, I'll have some of all of that.

every pitch is a curveball

2008-12-12T13:45:00.003-05:00

You still exist in this world?

And you want to know if I'm going to be home for Christmas?

The Small Hours Can Be Unkind

2008-12-05T10:45:00.002-05:00

Last night I got caught in the web of the witching hour, and rather than my half-witch powers gaining strength and vivacity, instead my half-human doubts crushed me under their much-multiplied weight.

Tonight, come midnight, I will be fortified and ready.

Good Will Towards Men-Tality

2008-12-03T14:51:00.002-05:00

Hey. You. Why don't you go and see this show? Tonight, okay?

Thanks.

Crash That...

2008-12-01T15:07:00.002-05:00

I will poison you with my adorable poison bubbles, so WATCH OUT.

Fight to the Finish!

2008-11-26T15:02:00.004-05:00

Ahhhhh!

We made it to the end of the challenge, people!

Now, we are all winners here. We all did some really nice work, and I plan to continue this kind of incessant, often inane posting, because 1. it gives me something to do, 2. it makes me remember how to form written sentences, which might prove useful in the future, and 3. it is an often hilarious way to conversate with my friendlings. I hope that you plan to do the same.

Yeah, yeah. But WHO WON?

Well.

That would MISS ZOE of Joseph and Zoe Tell It Like It Is, by being the only one to not be distracted by weekends, by staying the course, by posting at least once every day for 21 days!

CONGRATULATIONS! Please send me your address and any requests you might have for your Grand Prize.

While Zoe may have Capital-W Won the Challenge, there are other prizes to be handed out, to all those who have participated, because you're awesome and you did a freaking good job. So, send me your addresses, PRONTO. Thankyouthankyou to Todd, Au (dude, you almost tied for the Grand Prize), Justine, Kevin, and Zoe, for adventuring with me. You're all sexy geniuses.

Please note: we're cooking up some weekly themes for those who would like to participate in further challenges, so send me suggestions if you've got them.

Did you have fun? Would you do it again? Will you post daily without a challenge? Do you have a challenge you wish to administer? Let us know...

Thank you for making the Interwebs awesome.

-bebebeteerannosaurusrex

Who's the fairest of them all?

2008-11-25T14:12:00.001-05:00

Snow White, that's who.

And don't you forget it.

Prunus Dulcis

2008-11-25T08:29:00.004-05:00

Almond croissants are good, even when they're not very high quality.

Here's the question, though: why do I like the almond paste in almond croissants and not marzipan? I think marzipan is beautiful...

...but I do not like to eat it. This sad fact makes me a marzipan outcast in my family.

Marzip-anecdote: My sophomore year in college, I went to New York with my uncle and cousin for my cousin's birthday. My uncle pestered me the whole trip about if there were any boys that I liked at school, and finally I admitted to liking a particular one. He said, "Well, alright then. You need to buy him a present from New York!" He even offered to pay for it.

(I think it's funny that he was so insistent that I try to woo said boy. I think he just wanted me to be happy, but it was a little weird.)

So, what do you get for a college boy you like but only kind of know? A Yankees hat? (No.) An I Heart NY t-shirt? (Lame.) A book? A Playbill? What?

Finally, on the last day of our trip, we stopped for canoli, and my uncle said, "Look at that marzipan! That's what you're getting your friend." Now, I have plenty of friends who would totally dig that gift, if for nothing but the novelty, but really? Lacking any better ideas, though, I picked out all of the best marzipan vegetables in the case, including some radishes and carrots.

When I gave it to said young man upon my return, he was appropriately confused by the gift, as I had expected. Needless to say, my vegetable wooing proved fruitless.

I embrace the awkward in life, or try to (I have to. I am, after all, 'The Girl Who Makes Things Awkward'), but for some reason the marzipan incident got blocked from my memory for about 4 years.

Then I moved to New York, and one day I walked past the very shop where the marzipan was purchased. I stopped dead in the street, and remembered suddenly not only the candy but also the recipient, and the years of awkward gift giving that followed that forgotten marzipan, like a truck it all hit me. And I laughed.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Sometimes, things are just so weird that you know that life is a funny joke, not a cruel one.

Awesomely awkward
(and awkwardly AWESOME)
-sweet beet

P.S. Almond flavoring smells to me like poison. I had forgotten that until I was making a drink the other day. Teej is a man who knows his poisons, and he told me that cyanide smells like almonds.

Hm.

Hope I'm not poisoning the customers!

Sunshine

2008-11-23T23:00:00.001-05:00

Too much sun will make you crazy.

Nuance

2008-11-22T13:04:00.001-05:00

"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."

You never knew why you felt so good in the strangest of places...

2008-11-22T10:47:00.002-05:00

There is a gorgeous light dusting of snow on the ground this morning, and my roommate made me an egg sandwich.

Which put me in a good mood as I left the house at 7:30 for work.

Which is good, since I stayed up too late last night playing Rock Band and drinking champagne. Also, when I walked in the door of the cafe, the espresso machine was clogged and leaking everywhere, and there was a flood on the floor from some mysterious source.

The floor is now mopped and dry and smelling vaguely of lavender, I got the machine to stop leaking (at least so horribly), all of the opening chores are finally done, and soon I'll have my second cup of coffee and decide to really be awake.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that my snow- and egg-infused good cheer is kicking the butt of this lame day. So there.

-b-funk

P.S. Dude. San Pellegrino Limonata is delicious.

P.P.S. This totally rad lady comes in every few days for an iced honey americano. She and her husband have different favorite coffeeshops, and rather than switching off where the go, or debating the merits of one over they other, they just go to both.

Every time. No questions asked. She gets a honey americano at Janine's, he gets a medium cup of dark roast with skim milk and one equal from Java Jay's. And they're happy as clams to do it that way.

I think that is awesome.

P.P.P.S. Pascal said of his yogurt today, "This is going to taste me good!"

Which, apparently, is perfect grammar, if you're speaking German.

The Peak

2008-11-20T23:38:00.002-05:00

It rained, it sleeted, it snowed, and then it was sunny, crisp and clear, all in the trip to the top of this mountain.

(I just got the pictures from this trip that we took developed. Yeah!)

re: graffiti...

2008-11-19T16:33:00.005-05:00

Nothing comes close to that whale, but...

(faile)

all heart,
double-b

He also tells great stories and remembers everything in exact chronological order.

2008-11-18T08:46:00.004-05:00

Well, I definitely didn't touch a computer (but for a friend's iPod Touch - um, those things are SWEET) all fake-weekend (I have Sundays and Mondays off) long. So... whoops, again.

However, I did find out that this FREAKIN' AWESOME GUY is checking out the challenge:

This knowledge has rejuvenated my Challenge Spirit, and I'm ready for a new week.

Some things you should know about that guy up there:

1. He takes his coffee black, unless we're at a diner, in which case he lets me stir in two creams, because he knows that I like to.

2. He used to let me blow my little nose on his shirt sleeve when I was full of snot. I'm sure he still would if I asked.

3. He has a sweet bicycle.

4. He has been quietly wanting a puppy for at least 25 years. No one should have to wait that long for a puppy. Your time is coming, dude, I can feel it.

5. He doesn't fall asleep with peanut butter sandwiches in his mouth. Anymore.

6. He's really good at growing baby flowers.

7. He doesn't like listening to you chew, either.

8. He probably thinks you're pretty awesome. And he probably wants to watch a movie with you or play you some records. So call him up.

Your #1 Fan for Life,
b - snot factory - b

P.S. I saw a commercial for an iPhone this weekend that showed an application where you can know the exact whereabouts, on Google Map, of your friends who also have iPhones. This is TOO MUCH. Twitter, blog, text where you are, for everyone to find you, fine, great, but basically, I don't want to WANT to know where my friends are, literally and exactly, at every moment. That just feels too gross.

Now, the iPhone app that lets you hold your phone up to music playing and figures out what song it is and who it's by - that is gadgetry this girl can get behind.

Flirt Alert

2008-11-15T13:02:00.001-05:00

Pascal keeps running behind the counter to get my attention.

Then he winks at me and runs away.

More Theatrical Nostalgia

2008-11-14T14:09:00.002-05:00

Hey, remember that time I got to be in a Richard Foreman show as a stand in for a fighter pilot for half a rehearsal?

That was pretty sweet.

Making Up

2008-11-14T08:41:00.003-05:00

Challenge, Day 11

!

I had big plans to post when I got off work yesterday, but then I ran errands and put squash in the oven, grated cheese and ate pasta and went to rehearsal and then rehearsed some more, watched some hockey highlights, then fell into bed.

All of which is great, but none of which is posting on my blog.

So. At least twice today as penance, okay?

***

Last night, and the night before, we had a rehearsal after rehearsal, and I was transported back to the days of yore when it was common practice to rehearse a show from 7-10 and then start the next rehearsal at 10:15, to continue until everyone fell down from exhaustion

That brings a few gems of college rehearsing to mind (lesson: why it's not safe to be too tired):

1. Watching TBuch try to demonstrate a Fireman's Carry, only to be foiled by the man on her back. Watching her face hit the ground. Catching her blood in my hands, trying not to let it get on the new dance floor in the rehearsal room. (Dr. Faustus, 2002)

2. Seeing Kevin get kicked in the head by Peter AND Flinn pass out from lack of oxygen in the same rehearsal. (Ugly Duckling, 2003)

3. Hitting my head on the ground so hard during a movement warm-up that I gave myself whip-lash. (There Is No More Firmament, 2005)

Oh, for real. Let's all try to be a little bit more careful, shall we?

-b.concussed.b

P.S. Mmmm. I want a bed, an electric blanket, a sleep mask, and two days to spend with said items.

Mmmm, I wish I was under an electric blanket, with a sleep mask on

dreams of the study of the nature of being

2008-11-12T16:16:00.005-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was helping to throw a dinner party for this guy:

It was being thrown on some tiny college campus somewhere, and something essential to the party was missing (some notebooks), and it was my fault. And anyone who knows that guy, knows that you don't want to be the one who lost anything of his.

What's a challenge without a reward?

2008-11-11T15:48:00.002-05:00

To all of my fine friends who are participating in The Challenge:

If you make it to the end of Week 3...

I will make you something special and send it to you in the mail.

How about that?

Heart,
beaniebebe

P.S. Cowboy Hat Guy is here right now. Today would be a very good day for a cowboy hat, what with all the freaking sleet.

P.P.S. Can I drink 8 glasses of water a day, like the proverbial 'they' say I should? Glasses of water so far today: 3 1/2. (Note: cups of coffee are approximately 3 1/2 also. Hmmm.)

Thinking

2008-11-11T13:15:00.003-05:00

What's delicious?
A turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce, mayo and mixed greens.

What song is awesome?
Case of You by Joanie Mitchell.

What actor would you watch in anything?
Robert Downey, Jr.

Back 2 Skool

2008-11-11T00:14:00.002-05:00

Somebody needs to start studying for the GRE, and that somebody is me. I miss book learnin', and while it will take a standardized test for me to get there, I need to get myself some more schoolin'.

I heart Zooey Deschanel...

2008-11-09T22:55:00.001-05:00

...and I'm glad that I finally saw Elf.

You should watch it. Especially you, Dad.

Questions

2008-11-08T11:46:00.004-05:00

Pascal: What's that?

Me: A flower vase. My friend dropped a flower vase yesterday and it looked like he laid an egg.

Pascal: What did he do?

Me: He said he was sorry.

Pascal: What did you do?

Me: I said it was okay.

Pascal: Did he clean it up?

Me: He did.

Pascal: What's his name? How old is he? Is he a man or a lady? Where does he live? Is he your dad? Do you have a kid?

Me: I don't.

Pascal: ... Me, either.

Saturday Morning

2008-11-08T11:00:00.003-05:00

7AM comes only moments after I lay down, it seems, and I am so warm and cuddly in bed...

But then there is an old fashioned donut and a crunchy donut hole and an extra-strength cappuccino and some good company and Pascal will be here in 5 minutes to bring all the good cheer a girl could need on a rainy day and there will be good music all day long and a crossword puzzle and good friends later.

What a cozy little day.

What is that sticking to my hair and eyelashes?

2008-11-07T11:15:00.002-05:00

Happy first snow.

It's looking pretty darn quaint outside the cafe window this morning. I'm just sayin'.

Gushy gush gush.

2008-11-07T00:40:00.003-05:00

I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for, spread across the whole world. And while sometimes I get awfully lonely, and start to feel a little lost, I am lucky, and I know it.

Thanks, guys.

(It sounds mushy, I realize, but you know that I mean it.)

I promise to walk it and feed it and love it, okay?

2008-11-06T16:18:00.004-05:00

This made me think of you, there in Japan.

And this made me want a puppy.

Challenge, Day 3

Wow wow wow!

Zoe at Joseph and Zoe Tell It Like It Is has joined the challenge!

AAAAAAANNNNND

Even though he insists he wasn't invited, my favorite Kevin has excepted/accepted the call and if you haven't already been there, go to I Like Drinks, start reading from the beginning, and get yourself all caught up.

Sooooo, now The Challenge is alive and well in Minneapolis, Baltimore, Athens, Lawrence, AND Brooklyn! Another cool thing? Not everyone involved in the challenge knows each other (yet).

While the internet has limitless potential to alienate, I'm glad we're taking this opportunity to connect, friends!

Proud To Be...

2008-11-05T15:14:00.003-05:00

Cheers to the future.

Someone rearranged all of the magnetic poetry on the board that we keep by the window at the coffeeshop into the shape of a heart.

I just went over to look and see what phrase was in the middle of the heart.

"Yesterday is over."

Challenge, Day 2

Au officially accepted the challenge! Read her musings at Secret Plans. She just joined the blogolution, so I'm excited for this opportunity to read something she writes every. damn. day.

Justine will be joining us as well! She is smart and pretty and has adorable children! I'm new to her blog, so that will be some good reading, too! Find her at Welcome to Tink's!

Guys, this is pretty awesome. The challenge now includes amateur bloggers/cool cats living in Minneapolis, Baltimore AND Lawrence. That's fuckin' rock and roll.

***

Things I want for Christmas (if Target can have all their Christmas crap up, then I can start my Christmas list):

Dear Santa:

I've been really good. Please bring me:

Some skates.
A bass.
A new job for my friend Todd.
An Everlasting Gobstopper. The REAL kind, not the kind that comes in a box of 20.
A puppy.

And I'd like to make it home in time for Christmas Eve dinner. Can I catch a ride in your sleigh?

Thnx,
B.T.

(T is for T-Rex and don't you forget it.)

Challenge Accepted!

2008-11-04T08:43:00.004-05:00

Challenge, Day 1

The call has been answered! The maestro over at Todd's Place took up my challenge with a *smack*, and Au will accept the challenge once I tell her the following information:

No, length is of no consequence. You can still expect short bursts of inane thought about food from this here blog during the challenge! Aren't you excited??? So don't panic, because you, too, can join! All you need to meet the challenge is at least one post a day for the next three weeks. Why, that's so much easier than getting homework done!

So, that's three of us taking part, isn't it? Any more takers?

Now, Au, please answer the following:

Is your blog yet public? Can I share it with the world on my list of blogs written by awesome people? Say yes, say yes!

Today is a List Full of Unrelated Thoughts and a Lot of Exclamation Points!:

1. Let's all vote!
2. Let's all drink a cup of coffee or three!
3. Welcome to the world, little Miles Forrest!
4. Welcome to Minnesota, sugarfree and db! Let's see each other soon and often.
5. There's a beautiful Indian Summer happening in Minnesota, at least for another day. Happy November! Who wants to play in the leaves with me before it snows?
6. Hot dog, french fries and a beer for $7! Oh, Triple Rock, there is more to you than just bouncers who bully Kevin on his birthday.
7. Don't Panic! Not quite yet, anyway!

Cheers!
-bebe

Zzzzzzz

2008-11-03T11:08:00.004-05:00

Last night I was so sleepy at 630PM that I went to get a double espresso to cure what ailed me. I decided the Cliquot Club was the place to go, with it's cute boy waitstaff and it's connection to Kevin (and it's proximity to the Ivy Building where I would be rehearsing shortly).

I turned off the car, closed my burning, tired eyes for a second, and then?

I fell asleep in my car for 20 minutes.

When I did wake up, I almost decided to let myself fall back asleep, without checking to see how long I'd been conked out.

I dragged myself into the Club and ordered my coffee, but it's all a blur because basically, I was still asleep.

Choosing to nap in your car is one thing (lunch break at the McJob, waiting to pick up someone from work, etc.), but to fall asleep accidentally... is just kind of bizarre.

I think this means it's time for me to hibernate. See ya in spring, suckers.

Internet Challenge

2008-11-03T11:03:00.004-05:00

I will post something every day for 3 weeks if someone else will take up the challenge and do the same. Any takers?

Seriously, guys

2008-11-02T18:32:00.003-05:00

Who ate all the Halloween chocolate between 11AM and 5PM, and why wasn't it me?

Thinking

2008-11-01T12:47:00.003-04:00

How can I go back in time and thank the person that discovered cheese?

How many sodas will I drink at work today?

Wish I had some pizza.

Anything Related to the Sea

2008-10-30T15:48:00.006-04:00

The following traits are widely associated with Pisces.

* malleable / impressionable

* gentle

* good natured / easygoing

* likeable / kind

* compassionate / sympathetic

* sensitive

* impractical / dreamy

* instinctive / intuitive

* imaginative / artistically able

* versatile

* gullible / naive / easily led

* spiritual

* escapist

* selfless

Likes: Feeling appreciated, feeling loved, freedom, stability, mystical settings/enchantment, dreaming, having their input valued, being unique

Dislikes: Feeling vulnerable, having no goals to move toward, feeling invalidated, being criticized, illiteracy, noisy scenes and displays, having no sense of structure

Ideal Careers: caring for the needy, as in the fields of medicine or veterinary medicine • anything related to the sea • acting • psychics or mystics • religion • cooking • pharmacist

Dear Guy

2008-10-24T15:21:00.003-04:00

Dear Guy in the Big, Black Cowboy Hat -

Your hat is awesome.
Your boots are, too.

You make me cooler by proximity. Thanks for drinking your coffee with soy milk at Janine's.

Your Fan,
b

decidedly

2008-10-22T17:21:00.002-04:00

I may not have any inclination towards or talent for writing about the current political climate, but I'm sure glad that other people do.

Read this now:

Undecided by David Sedaris

My weekend, in brief.

2008-10-15T17:28:00.003-04:00

Ready, Set, GO:

Drive.
Drive.
Drive.

IOWA!
Play Wii.
Power sleep.
Get up at 7.
Shower.
Bid adieu.
Fast food breakfast.
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Tertiary Edition, Radio Play

Drive.
Drive.
Drive.

KANSAS!
Find Megan, Mike, Wendy, Jeb.
Eat thai.
Find wedding party.
Look at all those pretty faces.
Bowl a 96.
Bowl a 103.
Drink coffee.
Eat pizza.
Drink whiskey.
Dance.
Dance.
Dance.
Eat cake.
Remove shoes.
Prince.
Talking Heads.
'It's Raining Men.'
Sleep.
Eat muffins.
Drink coffee.
Eat India Palace.
Drink more coffee.

Drive.
Drive.
Drive.

IOWA!
Eat pizza.
Play video games.
Watch Darkman.
Sleep.
Donuts.
Allergy explosion.
Video games.
Serenity.
Video games.
Watchmen.

Drive.
Drive.
Drive.

(Nap nap nap.)

HOME!

Fin.