full of lightness, full of weight

Lazing the day away, enjoying idleness and some light cleaning, eating a tasty egg-potato-broccoli concoction, drinking cups of coffee, and spending a lovely few hours talking to Ari on Skype after she got home from work. Couldn't quite shake the weirdness of talking to my computer with its built-in mic, no headset or handset or anything, just me talking alone in my room... I'll never stop being thankful for that girl who understands all the best and worst about me and the fact that we will never run out of things to talk about. Thank goodness technology can connect me to the reassuring sound of her voice for free, because I could easily rack up the bills it would previously have taken.

Currently sitting in my digs listening to music, eating spicy noodles and drinking orange juice, candles burning, thinking about going downstairs to get some bleach for my drains (the drains really start to stink things up around these parts), happy to be chilling out, happy to be right here right now.

Last night ended up as a noribang adventure that included teachers from both ends of this crazy city - Joe and Heidi were there with their friend Laura, Shannon, Allison and Bethany from Magnet, and wonderful Lauren, former head teacher of my school. We ate chips and Joe and I sang songs we knew only marginally with much gusto ('Celebrity Skin' and 'Origin of Love'), Heidi got down with some Disney, some ladies busted out some opera, I kicked the ass of 'One Way or Another,' and I got to hear Lauren sing the US national anthem with her stellar set of pipes, followed closely by a lively rendition of 'Oh, Canada.' (Why oh why didn't I take any pictures of this?? Gotta do better with the documentation.)

And then?

And THEN?

(This is the exciting part.)

I got in a cab by myself and I remembered the words my coworkers taught me for right and left and straight and we didn't get lost and then presto! I was home!

I think that's pretty exciting, thank you very much.

Korean vocabulary currently includes: 'hello,' 'thank you,' 'goodbye,' 'beef,' 'right,' 'left,' 'straight,' and 'over here.'

***

As we approach the 4th week of the 1st month, I certainly still have my moments when my emotions overtake me after second graders Samuel and James spend 2 hours making noise, making faces, farting, and generally doing everything they can find to do other than their work. I'm still trying to settle into discerning in the moment what needs to be taken care of and what needs to be ignored in favor of more important things. Though there is no tragedy, no disaster, simply a hard days work done, I am sometimes overcome. Those of you prone to emotionality in this way may understand what I'm talking about, others may not. I'm taking the advice of a friend and allowing a deep breath to precede the moment when the tears flow, and combining it with the advice of another friend who is a bit of a fountain of tears themself, and not feeling guilty about it when it happens. Let it happen if it has to, let it be a release of energy, a catharsis, and at the same time striving to not let the manifestation of my emotions take the place of actively seeking solutions when there's a problem at hand.

Right now, I am thinking that it ends up being less about how I experience emotion, and more about dealing with and letting go of fear and doubt, and just ... being. Just being the teacher that I am, doing my best, not spending all my time worrying about whether or not I'm doing it right, whether I'm any good at it.

(That last sentence, while about being a teacher, really ought to be said about being, well, a person on this planet.)

Anyway, I'm here to do my best, and then to experience a lot more than just working at a hogwan. I'm here to see the world, to meet new people, to become ever more myself, to try new things, and, most of all, to have the time to contemplate all of this. Constructively, not with the circular thinking that often pervades my mind when I'm too busy to sort anything out.

I'm here to put my thoughts into words, on paper or outloud, to voice them and then to be able to keep the ones I need and ditch the rest.

I'm here to appreciate the gravity of life, but to cultivate lightness in the face of it. To not take life so, well, seriously.

Oh, yeah, and I'm also here to spend Saturdays idle in my apartment in Western Seoul, sometimes turning my brain on, sometimes turning it on standby, drinking coffee and breathing.

Whew. Heavy.

The next post will be full of pictures, I promise. And anecdotes about adorable Korean children.