Squeeky Clean

While I was in New Mexico, I experienced a mildly excruciating case of heartburn the evening of the first full day we were there. I asked our hostess if she had anything I could take for it, and as Bette passed me some Gas-X with antacid, my aunt remarked that I wouldn't have heartburn anymore if I did "the Cleanse." This is a dietary endeavor that she recommends to some of her patients, as well as her best friend, both of my grandparents, and she herself has gone thru the process. I asked no questions other than "Will it help my skin, too?" before I told her I would start as soon as we returned home.

I was very near backing out as I contemplated what I might be enduring not drinking coffee or eating bread during this busy month, but the night before I was to begin my cleanse, I got a case of heartburn so bad that no amount of Kroger brand Tums could cure it, and realized some drastic action must be taken. So. The SP Standard Purification Process it was.

I received a big brown sack full of supplements, shake powder, and reading material (propaganda) concerning my Standard Purification Process. The propaganda is really good, though, and made me want to clean out my insides for real.

Basically, I can only eat fresh fruits and vegetable, with a tiny bit of unseasoned lean meat or eggs thrown into the mix. Let's think about all of the things that I like to consume that that rules out: dairy (cheese!), wheat based products, refined sugar, potatoes, chocolate, alcohol, and COFFEE. Who am I without coffee??? I also have plenty of pills (30ish) to take daily, and drink what feels like gallons of filtered water a day. I thought I had to pee a lot before. . .

For all of the thought I have to put into this, and all of the effort to not consume the things I am not supposed to consume, I can say this: I feel a little cleaner on the inside. I haven't had heartburn in since I started, which is a good sign that it won't come back after I'm done (I'm not making that up, that's what my auntie told me). And I am no longer afflicted with a lack-of-caffeine headache. I'm looking forward to the buzz I will feel the first time I drink coffee after my insides are all cleaned out, a buzz I have not known since I was approximately 14 and became addicted to coffee. I can now enjoy it for it's taste and smell, rather than needing an IV-drip to survive.

I have some serious plans to go out for ice cream the night I'm done with this ol' thing. Waffle cone. Chocolate. Yesssss.